neighborhood question

[zeebs]

Dear Abby,

I live in a neighborhood where there is a Homeowners' Association. Long story short, one lady has unsupervised kids, and I have a dog which I allow to walk on the edges of the lawns around the neighborhood (always on a leash). The association has mediated both complaints. The most recent mediation involved some hot tempers on both parts, at least, I was pretty pissed off, but everyone was basically civil about it after we had a (heated) conversation.

However, I can only see this escalating or at least resulting in harbored resentment on both sides if left to its own devices.

I want to extend an olive branch to my neighbor. I have no idea what her feelings are towards me, and I don't *really* want to get enmeshed. I just want to have a civil conversation and introduce ourselves.

Is it appropriate to...
(1) ring the doorbell on Saturday afternoon and introduce myself?
(2) drop a letter in the mail to her address?
(3) do nothing?

And whichever option you choose, please tell me why you chose it and elaborate a bit on how to execute it. Thanks.

Sincerely,
Lost in Suburbia.

[Cupcake]

Making peace is a powerful thing to do. My upstairs neighbour is nocturnal, legendarily anti-social and well lets just say all kinds of problematic. Mediation failed, complaining (nicely) failed, police and landlord intervention failed... but leaving a gently worded note in the letterbox saying "Hi, I know that we're both struggling with this situation so I wanted to let you know I'm committed to trying to find a peaceful way for us to get by. If you'll open your door, you'll find a little something outside as a peace offering which I hope you'll enjoy". I left them a chocolate cake. It didn't stop their partying and noise-making, but when we cross paths, they smile at me rather than go in braced and ready assuming that I'd want to verbally fight them (which I never do).

For you, I'd suggest an olive branch approach. A note is personal but not as potentially confrontational as appearing on the doorstep. I say confrontational in the sense that when you appear in person or telephone, they have to respond instantly and might not be at their best if they are 'rattled' and tense at you being there. A note can be contemplated. If you leave a little gift or say perhaps, "how about joining me for morning coffee at such and such next week and letting me buy you some of the yummiest cake we can find?", that gives them time to process the invite, subdue emotions and get in a good frame of mind. Importantly, it also frames the opportunity as you intending social conversation, not yet another rehash of the dispute! Who'd want to go to another argument - coffee and cake / informal lunch date / ice creams in the park with dogs etc sounds much nicer.

If they're a reasonable person, that is! Some just won't want to make peace for whatever psychological reason goes on inside their heads about being right, standing their ground, some sort of daft warfare mentality?! But an offer to meet socially, casually, can help the person see you as a person and perhaps begin to relate to your situation and empathise with your point of view rather than dehumanise you by seeing you only as 'the enemy'. It's hard to stay hostile towards someone whom you can see is suffering. Best wishes whatever happens. Pursue peace!

[zeebs]

How about this?...
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Neighbor,
I don’t know your name, because we haven’t properly met.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could introduce ourselves and have a friendly conversation?
How about joining me at the picnic table by the playground for morning coffee? (If the weather’s inclement, we can always go to [local coffee shop].)
I’ll bring the French press. Do you like light or dark roast? If you prefer tea, I have a delicious chai blend or a jasmine white tea.
I’m thinking [this date] or [this date], maybe around 9:00am.
Please call if you’d like to schedule a time to chat.

[my first name] ("the one with the dog")
[my phone number]
----------------------------------------------------------

[egerandi]

No specific input, just that good for you, Sarah! Making the first step is always difficult, and I wish you the best outcome possible!
I know if I received such a letter after such a dispute, I would be more amenable to contemplate peaceful options, rather than stick it out and remain negative about it. People can be so defensive without an actual reason, and showing your positive intentions should help them lower their guard.

And what a wonderful advice, Helena! Sorry to hear about the noisy folks - and you still gave them cake. I truly admire your approach, both of you. I have a lot to learn.

[zeebs]

DH says that the letter sounds patronizing. Do you agree?

Thanks for the help... I'm really at a loss here. I'm so angry and scared and confused.

[zooeyblue]

I think it may be the "Wouldn't it be nice" part that your DH is thinking about. Here's a suggestion. Feel free to use, alter, or ignore entirely!

Dear Neighbor,
I don’t know your name, because we haven’t properly met.
I know we have had our differences, but I would love for us to be in a better place.
Would you be interested in joining me at the picnic table by the playground for morning coffee? (If the weather’s inclement, we can always go to [local coffee shop].)
I’ll bring the French press. Do you like light or dark roast? If you prefer tea, I have a delicious chai blend or a jasmine white tea.
I’m thinking [this date] or [this date], maybe around 9:00am.
Please call if you’d like to schedule a time to chat.

[my first name] ("the one with the dog")
[my phone number]

I had a problem with a student at the beginning of the semester, and the "I'd love for us to be in a better place" line worked then. She agreed with me, and then I established common ground: I told her about my experiences as a single mom trying to go to school. She realized that I understand more about her situation than she thought I did. We have been golden since. SOOOO, establish some common ground . . . . . does this help ANY?!?!?

[zeebs]

Yes, that's a great edit. Thank you!

I also added "Would either of those times work for you?" after my options of times that work for me.

DH has advised me to stop by in person to deliver the note and just say something like, "Hi, I've been thinking about the situation, and I'd really like to find some common ground." Hand her the note, give her some space, see what happens. ??????

[zooeyblue]

Yes, that's a great edit. Thank you!

I also added "Would either of those times work for you?" after my options of times that work for me.

DH has advised me to stop by in person to deliver the note and just say something like, "Hi, I've been thinking about the situation, and I'd really like to find some common ground." Hand her the note, give her some space, see what happens. ??????

You're welcome! I think your addition about the time is good, too. Stopping by in person, handing over the note with a friendly smile, that could work! Good luck--neighbor woes are never fun.

[Xarata]

Personally, I think it's best to make an open-ended gesture; the kind that they can choose to respond to or not respond to, but may change their opinion of you whether you hear back from them or not. Something like a basket of cookies with a handmade card:

---I know we have had our differences, but I would love for us to be in a better place.
---Zeebs (the one with the dog).

The next time you see each other in passing, a smile and wave or greeting might go a long way, and can develop into conversation where your meaning will be less likely to be misinterpreted. I would probably keep it short and sweet because the written word can be misconstrued easily and you would hate for her to feel like you're being pushy/patronizing/etc. when you're being sincere.

Separately:
I'm not sure what the issues regarding the kids/dog are, but maybe getting together to plan something where the two intermingle could be nice (bringing a bag of tiny treats on your walk so if you run into the kids, they can each give the dog a treat). Even if the two issues are totally unrelated, creating that kind of ritual could breed a positive familiarity between them and you(motivating them to be more respectful of you and your things) and them and the dog (mitigating any fear they might have of the dog when you bring him/her around). Of course, my dog is terrified of strangers and children so i understand how this might not be entirely feasible.

[superwahz]

I agree with Xarata about the open ended gesture. I say that because there are less expectations attached to it. So, less for you to worry about or feel rejected about...and less for them to feel pressured to agree to/go along with. Plus, less chance your actions will be misunderstood! The dog/treat suggestion is great too, though it would be a hopeless mess with my dog, who is this anti-social "introvert dog".

And serious kudos to you for wanting to make peace. Most people would just go on about their business, glaring at their neighbor every chance they get, content to stay in that "justified anger" attitude instead of seeking to diffuse the situation. What you put out, so you get back, I hope your act of peace brings much peace back into your life...either from your neighbor, or from some unrelated source.